On the Rebound
An AA gets "rid of the shame of being me" to stay sober
I believe that AA's Twelve Steps can be divided into three parts. Steps 1-3 are "Trust God," Steps 4-10 are
"Clean House," and Steps 11-12 are "Help Others."
With the help of God, I quit drinking when I was nineteen
and started helping others. My life changed. I was much happier. I was not nearly as afraid of everything in
my new sober life. Life was good. I got married and had a couple of sons. I knew the answers: Trust God
and help others. Got it and did it.
Then, seven-and-a-half years later, my infant son, Aaron, died. Aaron was our third son. My husband could not believe a child of his could die. He accused me of an affair and of killing the baby so no one would notice the child
did not look like him. I could not emotionally handle the accusations, even with the help of the people in the meetings.
Five days after Aaron's death, I started drinking. Fourteen days later, I started taking drugs again.
So began twenty-five months of emotional hell. It seemed as though every time I drank
something would happen. I would get beat up, wake up in the hospital, get raped, or feel
deathly sick. The blackouts were more frequent than those I had as a teen. How I did not get a
DUI or wake up in jail, I will never know. Toward the end, I drank all day long until I passed out.
During my teens, I drank harder, faster, and more frequently than any of my friends, but my drinking was "normal" compared to the loss of control of my drinking in my late twenties. To this day, I do not
think I have met anyone who tried harder to control her life, her drinking, and her behavior than I did the
last fourteen months of my drinking (while going to AA).
Some old-timers told me I did not have a "snowball's chance in hell" to get and stay sober. But I
yearned to be sober. I just simply could not not drink!
God mercifully honored my pitiful plea for sobriety. After three weeks of lock-up, I was able to continue to not drink on a daily basis. I was miserable not drinking. I hated life and almost everything and everyone around me. But I was sober, by God! I plodded through my days with barely veiled anger masked
with drudgery. I attended the meetings, and I did not drink.
After four-and-a-half years of this awful attitude and the lack of joy that went with it, calamity
hit my life again. Although not as bad as the death of a son, it still knocked me down. I sat in my pajamas in my recliner for three days.
A friend from AA showed up; his nose involuntarily wrinkled at my odor. He suggested I shower
and get my butt to a meeting. He also suggested I get more women's phone numbers and ask one of
them to take me through the Steps.
Nancy agreed to read the Big Book with me. Within ten months, my life was totally different.
Through working the Steps as outlined in the book, I got rid of the shame of being me. It had been
those feelings of worthlessness, selfpity, and other negative emotions that had led to my drinking again.
During my first round of sobriety, I trusted God and helped others, but did not get down to the causes
and effects of my disease. During the first five years of my second bout with sobriety, I barely trusted
God and surely did not help others. Today my job is helping others. I do not do this on my own, of course. I
believe God is with me totally and completely. To retain this level of life, I must be diligent and continue
to clean my inner house, so I can be there for people who still hurt.
The freedom and the emotional healing that has occurred over the last fourteen years continue to blow
my mind. I am not ashamed at all anymore of myself or of my past. My level of joy is the barometer indicating the cleanliness or fi lth of my inner self. When I do all Twelve Steps, then my life is full, fulfi lled,
and full of joy.
BilliJo D., Havre, Montana
But I'm Different
When contemplating what is different this time after my relapse, the first answer that comes to mind is "me." My mentality toward sobriety is different, so my results can't help but be different. This time, I contact my sponsor and attend meetings on a regular basis.
Recovery and sobriety have become a part of my everyday life. In addition, acknowledging the God of my understanding and realizing my powerlessness many times daily keeps me focused and on the sober road for the long haul this time.
Being in the rooms surrounded by recovering alcoholics also gives me proof that sobriety after relapse is possible when you rigorously follow the Steps and Traditions. The complete AA program has made long-term sobriety a reality.
Charisse P., Birmingham, Alabama
How do you practice Step Eleven, and how has this changed over the time you've been in AA?
Post on the Grapevine Forum at i-Say.
 Tell a friend about this page
|
